daisybell's Diaryland Diary

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A letter

Dear my charming man,
I am writing this because I know amongst the many preparations for my journey to India I won't remember half the things I want to say to you.
The last year has been a very tough one. This time last year we had had a lovely Christmas together and I had no idea how hard the new year would be. My mother getting sick. my project, my exams, my fallout with my housemates. All combined to make a tremulous and extremely difficult time for me. In many ways I hit rock bottom. But you were there for me, you helped me through. Thank you. You were my rock, my home, what held me together.
My life has changed so much since then. I almost feel like a different person. I am happy. My new job gave me a new lease of life, made me feel valued as a person. I just wish you could have been more of a part of it. It was hard being apart and I am sure it will only get harder.
I don't know how India is going to change me, how it will effect me. I don't know who I will be when I return. But I am hoping a better person. A person more worthwhile of you.
What I am trying to say is that I can't tell the future, that I don't know what is going to happen and how it will all turn out. All I know is that right now is that I don't love you. That I kissed other men, slept with another man. Did what the fuck I liked with no regard to your feelings at all and fuck the consequences. Now I am dead inside. Now I am a grown up. Well done me.
***
But the truth of the matter is that I do love you, that is what makes it so unbelievable. Why did I do these things to the man I supposedly love. So instead I have to bury what I did deep inside where it eats at my soul, to keep you and be with you. I was of my own destroying.
***
...All I know is that right now I love you and I want to be with you. And I guess that is all that matters. So what I am trying to say is thank you, and I look forward to my future with you. Take care of yourself while I am gone.

8:16 p.m. - 2005-12-27

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